Oh hi. Yes, it is me. I am alive and well, I am alive at least. I was going to start this post explaining why I have posted approximately once since the beginning of February. But, it would turn out to be a list of excuses and definitely not worth reading. So, instead I will fill you in on the happenings of the baby Drake house.
I have been wrestling with some awesome (read: really difficult) stuff since the IF gathering last weekend. In the last few days, have been turned down for 2 more jobs and at this point it is utterly embarrassing to be me. I am becoming weary, tired, frustrated. I keep trying to thank God for all of the closed doors, when all I want to do is punch a wall. I have applied for so many different types of jobs now, I have completely lost track. Though, through it all, God has continued to provide a way for us. The way has not been fun or smooth, but we haven’t died yet. So. that is promising.
I began pursuing CAbi as an independent stylist. But, Connor and I do not have the wiggle room for me to be trying to build a business in an area where I do not know anyone. I mean, I have met a few people. Sure. But, I do not have a network. Unfortunately, I do not have the room to fail at this point. I need a job that is guaranteed money in the bank each month. Unfortunately with CAbi, there is no guarantee, who knows what I could make! I could make nothing and how irresponsible would that be at this moment in time?
I have hit every single brick wall my head can find. I am waiting for God to open a door for me to step through. But, everything feels closed to me right now.
I attended my third IF:Gathering last weekend and I am so glad that I did. It is amazing each year. But, this year was specifically incredible because the focus was on Jesus, loving Jesus, living like Jesus, and going out like Jesus. Which is funny because I chose my 2016 verse on a total whim, and I can’t even count the times the Great Commission was discussed during the conference? God had already aligned my heart with what the gathering had to offer.
If you don’t know what the IF:Gathering is, you should definitely check it out! It is a body of women determined to equip and unleash women to fulfill their true calling and serve Jesus well. I am so thankful for the way that the Gathering has gained traction and grown over the last three years. Last year there were about 2,000 women who attended the live gathering in Austin, TX and about 2,000 groups of women live streaming the event to IF:Locals all over the nation. This year, there were over 10,000 groups of women live streaming across 86 countries. There were over half a million women actively participating in the confrence. 500,000 women! Can you even imagine what it would look like to have 500,000 women on task for Jesus? 500,000 women committed to loving others as themselves, engaging their communities and leading their people? That is an unstoppable amount of women!
It makes me excited to even think about it.
What if we all just put out our dirt, rolled up our sleeves, and starting loving one another? What if we just stopped hiding behind our fears and prejudices and we got out there and showed Jesus to the world? The Good Lord knows the world is in desperate need of it!
All of that to say, during the two days at the conference, I was deeply convicted about sharing my story. I have a story to tell. It’s just not so pretty. It isn’t funny, it wasn’t fun to live, and how am I supposed to write about it? Who would want to read it? Why is it important? When will I have the time?
I have had an excuse every single time I feel the idea prodding at me. I started this blog with the intention of writing out my story piece by piece. That wasn’t a good idea. I don’t want my dirt out there in that form. Sure, I want you to read it. But, I want you to be able to get to the good parts and not left waiting for the next blog post. I just wanted the whole idea to go away. I have run to any kind of busyness to distract me. If I am working on becoming a wedding coordinator, or a CAbi stylist, or a Nanny, or an astronaut, or a sales person… etc., I can’t be bothered with writing out my story? Can I? It hasn’t gone away and I have been deliberately disobeying my Heavenly Father by running from what He has asked of me. How ridiculous is that? Who cares!
Seriously? Who cares? Why should I care what you think of me and my past? Why should I be worried about slinging the truth?
Because it is messy, because I am human. Are you wrestling with me yet? Because I have been putting up quite a good fight. But, ultimately my story points back to Jesus and how can I be so selfish as to keep that to myself?
It isn’t easy. It won’t be easy. I can’t even bring myself to start. But, at this point in this journey, all I can do is bow my head and say, “Yes Lord”.
So, here I am tonight, bowing my head, surrendering everything, allowing my pride to fall aside, and saying “yes’” to the God of the universe.
Now, where do I begin?